


Apocalypse YouNow

by Spiteful_Letters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Apocalypse, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, M/M, Marriage Proposal, One Shot, Plot Twists, Religion, TATINOF, Tour, astonishing levels of melodrama, please do not take this fic seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 02:46:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7995748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiteful_Letters/pseuds/Spiteful_Letters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With another devastating crash that seemed to reverberate through their very bones, the lights in their room went out, plunging them into darkness.</p><p>“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod” Dan muttered wildly, clutching hold of Phil, his arms around his neck. </p><p>“D’you think… Nuclear attack?” Phil asked.</p><p>“I don’t know” whispered Dan, terrified. “Babe, can you look out the window for me?” </p><p>“Dan, the liveshow” said Phil gently, though it seemed a bit futile now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apocalypse YouNow

The heat in Texas was almost unbearable. Dan’s hair had started to unravel from its neatly parted side-swept fringe, and he could feel beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.

“Phil can we open a window?” he whined, fanning himself with the hotel’s room service menu.

“You _just_ said, no it’ll attract insects to our room, remember?” Phil rolled his eyes at him. He was faring a bit better in the unfamiliar heat but his tone was a little more irritable than usual.

“Oh yeah. Sorry guys, we’re too British for this place. We’re melting here.” Dan now addressed the camera. They were talking into Phil’s laptop, which was propped onto the bed. During the liveshow they had discussed their American tour; Tatinof part 2, the serendipity of Phil falling over during the very first show again, the deeply unfortunate presidency of Donald Trump, and the newly updated version of Pokemon Go.

Now the conversation had reached a lazy kind of ebb and Phil kept nudging Dan’s leg with his knee to indicate that he wanted to wrap it up. Dan didn’t blame him. They hadn’t had much sleep the night before. He couldn’t stop yawning though he still wanted to talk about the disappointing final episode of American Horror Story which had been playing on his mind.

“Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters were _amazing._ Like, obviously, right? But I mean this was like… something else completely, right, Phil? Even you cried a little bit didn’t you?”

Phil really wanted to let his head fall onto Dan’s shoulder. He was so incredibly tired. But just five more minutes and it would be ten o clock.

“Phil?”

“I may have let out a little tear. Just the one.”

“Guys he’s lying. He was totally bawling his eyes out. But even their acting couldn’t save it from being a total pile of crap. I swear after Glee I thought Ryan Murphy had-“

Dan stopped dead in the middle of his sentence. An enormous bang from somewhere outside their first floor hotel room seemed to rock the floor from underneath them.

“Phil?”

“What was that?” Dan’s face had turned as white as a sheet as he stared at Phil. “Was that an explosion, or- FUCK!”

 

With another devastating crash that seemed to reverberate through their very bones, the lights in their room went out, plunging them into darkness.

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod” Dan muttered wildly, clutching hold of Phil, his arms around his neck.

“D’you think… Nuclear attack?” Phil asked

“I don’t know” whispered Dan, terrified. “Babe, can you look out the window for me?”

“Dan, the liveshow” said Phil gently, though it seemed a bit futile now.

“EXCUSE ME IF I’VE STOPPED FUCKING CARING ABOUT THE FUCKING LIVESHOW PHIL JUST GO AND LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!”

 _“Okay!”_ said Phil, prising himself from Dan’s death- grip. Gingerly, he padded towards the big window at the front of their room. Previously the view had been a rather uninspiring look at the carpark and a little bit of the road, with another rather barren looking building that Phil had assumed was some kind of church. Now he pressed his face against the glass, eyes scanning for any sign of the scene from earlier.

“What do you see?” demanded Dan.

“It’s really foggy” said Phil, still looking. “There are some little lights in the distance. Hang on, I think there’s some stuff falling from the sky.”

“What kind of stuff?”

Phil squinted. “It’s like dust or something.”

“Nuclear fallout?”

“Have you checked the internet?”

“No signal.”

Phil looked back at Dan, a lone scared figure in what now seemed like a vast empty space. “Your phone?”

“Everything’s dead. YouNow’s gone as well. I’m sorry, Phil. I shouldntve-“

“-No, its alright, I shouldn’tve cared.” He walked back to the bed and collapsed into Dan’s arms, pressing his face into the familiar warmth of his neck.

 

“I knew Trump would cause the destruction of the planet one day. Totally inevitable” said Dan.

“Don’t be melodramatic. We don’t know what’s happened yet.”

“The internets gone. It doesn’t look good.”

“The TV!” yelled Phil, jumping up suddenly and accidentally knocking Dan over. “Oops, sorry. I just… The TV might still be working!”

“Oh, _right!_ God, yeah, typical youtubers, forgetting about old media!”

Phil grabbed the unused remote from the top of the television and jabbed at various buttons until the screen flickered into life. At first there was just a fuzzy haze of grey but eventually the picture transformed to a young, blonde newswoman behind a desk. She looked utterly terrified. Phil reached for Dan’s hand as they listened to her speak.

“… in what scientists are calling ‘unprecedented’, a slew of asteroids have struck earth from the direction of the sun. Largely impossible to detect until the point of entry due to the lack of illumination, NASA are now monitoring the skies closely on the ISS. Further devastation is deemed ‘highly likely’ at this point in time, and people are advised to retreat underground if they can…”

“So it wasn’t Donald Trump.” Dan shook his head and began pacing around the room.

The television suddenly fizzled out.

“So listen, Dan, I think we should-“

“-You do realise we’re going to die, right?”

“-I think we should get out and try and find-“

“I mean I knew it was coming, I just didn’t think it would be today and there’s so much I wanted to do, and-“

“-DAN!” He took him by the shoulders, shaking him. “We’re not dead yet, and I’d like to keep it that way until we’re old and grey.”

“I’m not going to go grey, I’m dying my hair to the bitter end.” Dan squeezed his eyes shut, and a couple of tears streamed down his cheeks.

“That’s the spirit” Phil kissed him quickly. “Now come on.”

He took his hand and led him to the door, his breathing shallow, his heart racing in his chest.

 

“D’you have a plan?” asked Dan from behind him, as they opened the door and started walking down the hotel corridor, which was thankfully still illuminated with overhead lights.

“The carpark. There’s got to be a basement, right?”

“Well... I don’t know if- _FUCK!”_

Another crash.

The force of the vibration knocked Phil forwards slightly and he lost his grip on Dan’s hand. This time the lights in the hotel corridor went out, plunging them into pitch black darkness. From somewhere in the distance, they heard a woman screaming.

 _“Dan!”_ Phil yelled into the dark. “Are you alright!?”

“Yeah” said Dan. “Where are- oh there you are! Keep hold of me, Phil”

Phil clutched onto Dan’s side, now the only thing anchoring his senses as the disorientating lack of light set in. There were no windows whatsoever and no point of reference for which direction they should go.

“D’you remember the way out?”

“I think so” Phil lied as he wandered forwards, pulling Dan alongside him.

“Am I dreaming this, Phil? I keep thinking I must be inside a nightmare. I’m going to wake up in our bed in London and I’ll tell you all about this ridiculous dream.”

Phil could hear the fear and desperation in his voice.

“That’s right. And I’ll laugh at you and tell you you’re an idiot, and that’s the most far- fetched- OH!”

They’d hit a wall. Phil had to stop himself from whimpering out loud.

“Hang on, I think I see something!” said Dan. “Emergency exit sign down there. I can just about make it out.”

“Your eyesight was always better than mine. Let’s go.”

 

As they pushed the door open, Dan wondered privately as to whether they should’ve just stayed in their room and awaited the inevitable. The scene before them was utterly chaotic. Cars were strewn about, abandoned on the road, their alarms blaring. The air was thick with a hazy sort of dust and the only light illuminating the scene was from a couple of small fires which had broken out from the hotel electricity generators.

“Hey!” a female voice called out suddenly, causing them both to jump. A young woman clutching a little girls hand dashed out from the car nearest them. They were covered in scratches and both looked tear stained.

“Can you help us?” the woman begged. Dan and Phil looked helplessly at one another, before Phil answered:

“I don’t know, I’m sorry. We were going to try the car park, see if its got a lower level.”

But the woman shook her head vigorously.

“Parking lots all caved in.”

“Oh God.”

“The church is our only chance. That big one just up there. Come on.”

The little girl began to whine softly, clutching her doll to her chest, one pigtail unravelling from her hair ribbon.

“Hush Lilly. It’ll be alright. Mommy will save you.” She turned back to Dan and Phil as they started to walk. Her hair was jet black and although her cheeks were marked with tear tracks, she blazed with a powerful kind of resilience.

“What are your names?”

“I’m Dan. He’s Phil.”

“I’m Kim. Nice to meet you both. Well. Not under these circumstances, but… British?”

“Yep. We live in London.” Phil said, trying to ignore the fact that his voice was shaking.

“Lived” corrected Dan, darkly. Phil took hold of his hand again. The path that Kim was leading them down seemed to get darker and darker. And the distant noise of what sounded like thunder but was most definitely something much worse punctuated their footsteps.

“They have a kinda… bunker hideout thing. In this church. I think they’ve had it since the 70s. You know, the cold war and all that…” Kim said in her Texan drawl. “But they’re sorta fundamentalist. Very strange folks. Its our best shot at survival though. Just be aware…”

Lilly dropped her doll and started wailing.

“Mommy, where’s Elsa? I cant see her on the ground!”

Phil scanned the pavement, noticing a strand of blonde hair next to an old empty crisp packet.

“Here you are” he said, handing her to the little girl. “I definitely think her powers will come in handy today, don’t you?”

Lilly smiled shyly, hiding behind her mother’s legs.

“Now Lilly, you say your thankyous to Phil for bein’ so kind.”

Lilly mumbled her thanks and Kim’s eyes travelled down to Phil and Dan’s clasped hands.

“Oh Lord…” She looked suddenly crestfallen.

“Is there a problem?” asked Dan, his brow furrowed.

“Are you two a couple?”

“Yes. What’s the problem?” said Phil in confusion. She didn’t seem like the homophobic type, but why else would she be so concerned about a gay couple she had just met on a day like today.

“No I aint got a problem with it. Lord knows I don’t. Not enough love in this world as it is. Its just… them folks up in that goddamn church. You’d better believe they’ll have a problem with it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. We’re gettin’ near now. Lilly, keep up honey. Hold up, boys we need to talk before we go in. Lets just hole up here for a moment.”

They were within sight of the church now, an ugly, imposing grey building with very small slit- like windows. Outside the main door a large sign read:

**JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS**

 

They stopped underneath a canopy in the walled garden which had miraculously survived most of the destruction that seemed to have hit the rest of the world.

“Alright” said Kim, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath back. “So you boys understand… You have to act like you’re just friends. They aint gonna tolerate a gay couple, you hear me?”

“S-surely they wont… turn us away? Let us die?” said Phil, desperate now.

Kim shuddered, her eyes filling with tears.

“Son… I am telling you. These people are _hateful._ They turned me and my daughter away cause they saw I aint got no wedding ring on my finger. She’s only six years old. She’s only… “ Kim now broke down entirely, falling to her knees and clutching her face in her hands.

Dan patted her back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, while Phil said: “its okay”

“No” she choked. “It aint okay. I need to ask you boys something… I lied to them. Said my husband was just outside. That I lost my wedding ring. They said if I brought him in they’d accept us into the church. I need… I’m begging you… One of you… Please help me…”

The realisation was dawning on them both. Phil felt his mouth dry up.

“You want one of us… to pretend?” he whispered.

“I’m begging you. For her sake.”

They looked at Lilly, her pale little face screwed up with tears, clutching her Elsa doll for dear life. In unison, they both said:

“I’ll do it.”

“Thankyou.” she gasped, reaching out for both of their hands.

“So who’s going to…?” asked Dan, his voice trailing away. Kim studied both of their faces for a while before addressing Dan.

“You look the most like her. You’ve got similar eyes.”

“Beautiful eyes” said Phil, taking himself by surprise. Dan smiled in spite of himself, in spite of the situation. He felt like he was eighteen again for a brief moment, happy and wanted and glowing under Phil’s attention.

“What about Phil? Will they let him in on his own?”

“We’ll say he’s your brother. Visiting from England. Part of the family.”

“Okay,” said Phil, nodding in agreement. Kim now crouched down to Lilly’s level, taking her by the shoulders.

“Lilly, listen. We’re gonna be playin’ a little game, and its very important you listen to mommy alright?” Lilly nodded, sucking her thumb.

“We’re gonna play at families: me, you, Dan and Phil. So Dan is gonna be the daddy, alright, sweetheart. So what do you call him?”

Lilly paused for a moment before mumbling: “daddy?”

“Good girl. And Phil is gonna be uncle. What do you call him if the men in the church ask you?”

She hesitated again. “Uncle Phil?” They all let out a weak laugh.

“Alright, we’re all set…”

Kim looked from Dan to Phil, her eyes shining. “Thankyou both… from the bottom of my heart.”

“Can you give us a moment before we go in?” asked Phil, longing to hold Dan for the last time until… who knew when.

“Of course, but...” She gestured to the sky and the falling dust.

“It’ll only be a minute” said Dan. She nodded and led Lilly away to the doorway of the church, which was sheltered from the falling debris.

 

Dan and Phil looked at one another for a very brief moment before crashing their lips together, savouring the moment, the familiar touch, the closeness.

“I love you” said Phil after they wrenched themselves apart, still clutching each other desperately.

“I know” answered Dan. “I love you Phil.”

“I know. Lets go and get saved.” They kept their arms around each other until they reached the doorway where Kim and Lilly were waiting.

“Brace yourselves” she said grimly. “Lets go.”

 

They entered to find themselves in a large circular room, the centrepiece of which was a white marble statue of Jesus rising up from a wave. One of his arms had fallen off and now lay sadly on the floor. A couple of people in red robes were muttering to each other at the far end of the room at a table which was laden with books.

“It’s the pornography, Mr Matheson I’m telling you. Fornicating on camera. All that sin and lust. Unnatural.”

“I think its God’s way of wiping out the unbelievers. We’re saved because of the church. We’ve got a- oh look its that lady again. Go away, Miss!”

The larger man, with a bald head and arched eyebrows waved his hand with a dismissive gesture.

“The new world order will accept no sinners or bastard children!”

Phil grit his teeth and clenched his jaw, but Dan spoke up.

“She’s not a sinner! Please, I’m her husband.” He put his arm around her as though it was the most natural thing in the world. He always had been a talented actor, thought Phil, though he was already pining to touch him in some way, for comfort.

The two men in robes looked at them sceptically.

“You don’t sound like you’re from round these parts”

“I’m not. Well. I moved here after we married. Just before our daughter was born. Haven't really picked up the accent though, have I Kim? She’s always teasing me about it.”

“No, you haven’t.” said the other man, who had weasely eyes and a thin moustache. He gestured at Phil. “And who is that?”

“He’s my brother in law. Visiting from England” said Kim, her voice wavering. The two men looked unconvinced.

“Where were you before?”

“Just- parking the car…” Phil answered, hoping they couldn’t hear the panic in his voice. “Then all of the commotion happened. We got a bit lost.”

The bigger man stepped forward, inspecting them all very closely. Dan really wanted to gulp but felt it would look suspicious so he just let the saliva build up uncomfortably in his mouth. Lilly began crying softly again.

“Do you believe in Jesus?” he asked and they all nodded.

 _“SPEAK!”_ he cried out hysterically. “This is the end of days! We prophesised this. There is only _one_ salvation and that is the Lord! So answer me: do you believe in Jesus Christ?”

“Yes” they spoke in unison. Phil felt his knees begin to shake. The larger man spoke now to his colleague.

“Room for any more, Mr Smith?”

“They’ll have to be the last. After that we’ll shut the doors. Look at the sky.” They all craned their necks to view the ceiling window. A flurry of lights were traveling across the sky, getting brighter and brighter.

“Then we must work quickly” said Mr Matheson. “Immediate family first, follow me.”

“What about Phil?” said Dan desperately, not moving.

“FOLLOW ME” he repeated, ignoring Dan’s question. He led them into a side door and Dan kept turning around to look at Phil, who tried to smile to reassure him that it was going to be okay. He didn’t feel convinced.

 

He was now left alone with the horrible man with the thin moustache who was watching him with a rather sinister smile.

“Are they going down to the bunker?”

“They’re going to be baptised and then sworn into the church. Then they’ll be accepted into the order and taken to safety.”

“Oh. Good. And I’ll be next?” The man’s smile grew wider, showing off a perfect set of pearly veneers.

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that.”

“What?”

“What is your favourite bible passage?”

“I-“

“Come on. Not a difficult question at all.”

Phil racked his brains, panicking.

“Our father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…”

Miraculously, the Lords prayer, so often repeated during boring primary school assemblies was rolling off his tongue, and he hoped it would be enough.

“… And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.”

 

The final word echoed in the empty hall.

 

The man kept his gaze on Phil, his smile gone now.

“And what’s your second favourite?”

The silence was deafening. He was drawing a blank. He had absolutely nothing.

“I thought so.” Mr Smith walked closer to Phil and wrapped an arm around the statue of Jesus, caressing his shoulders with his thin long fingers.

“You see, Mr Matheson is a very lenient man. Too lenient. Some say it’s a blessing but I say that there are some people in this world who don’t deserve our leniency.”

Phil felt his breathing become very shallow and he started gulping for air.

“Sinners. Fornicators. Whores. _Homosexuals”_ he looked Phil up and down as he said this.

“Please,” stammered Phil, desperately. “I just want to live. I want to be with my family. Wouldn’t God want you to-“

He stopped in his tracks as Mr Smith pulled out a gun from inside his robes. “What God wants… Is none of my business. Nor yours.”

He pointed the gun directly at Phil, whose heart began racing at a million miles an hour. “His plan isn’t always clear. He works in mysterious ways. But tonight, I control your destiny.”

This was it. This was how he was going to die. At the hands of a crazed loon.

And no memories were flashing before his eyes; he couldn’t hear dramatic music in his mind… He just saw Dan. His face. That smile. Loving, fond, slightly exasperated. Glowing.

And the man pulled the trigger.

As quick as lightening, with an agility he never would have expected of himself, Phil ducked behind the statue of Jesus.

“YOU CANT ESCAPE!” Mr Smith pulled the trigger again, this time blasting Jesus’s head off. “My Lord!” he cried out in anguish. “I didn’t mean to do that!”

Phil made use of his lamenting by sprinting for the exit as quickly as his legs would carry him.

“Come back!” Mr Smith shouted, blasting the gun again, but the bullet missed and Phil shut the front doors behind him and threw himself onto the ground.

He crawled towards the bushes, and tried to hide himself in the plants, listening for any sign of Mr Smith. But there was nothing except silence and the occasion distant crash.

 

The bright lights in the sky were glowing by the second, illuminating the garden, which he now realised was a kind of courtyard filled with flowers. If he wasn’t about to die, he would have found it rather beautiful.

Suddenly the thought of dying without Dan tore through his chest and he began running back to the door, murderous gunman be damned.

It was now locked. Briefly, he tried rattling it a few times but it was beyond useless.

The swirling lights were going to manifest themselves as burning rocks soon, and hit the earth.

He wished for two things: That his death wouldn’t hurt, and that Dan would somehow survive.

“Please let him live” he begged no one in particular. It was such a strange and wonderful thing, to be alive. He wondered why he hadn’t thought of that more often. Sinking to his knees, he grabbed a handful of earth, and felt it roll beneath his fingertips. How could all this wonderful green life suddenly disappear? He let the tears fall, thick and hot on the ground. There was no one to see him cry. A squirrel dashed out from behind a nearby tree and Phil envied his lack of knowledge. The ground began to shake.

 _“Phil!”_ The familiar voice rang out into the silence. He was dreaming now. A pleasant dream. “Phil, where are you?!”

Perhaps he was already dead. If this was heaven, it was a lot like the earth. Just him and Dan. Dan would probably tell him it was his turn to load the dishwasher and they’d argue about it gently before forgetting all about it and playing a game of Mario Kart.

“PHIL!”

Nope.

His voice was real, and it was getting louder.

“Dan, I’m out here! I’m in the garden!”

“I CANT GET OUT!” Dan’s voice called back. “THE DOOR’S LOCKED!”

“Just stay in there!” Phil shouted back desperately. “I think the comets are about to crash! Its your only chance!”

“I’m not leaving you! I’m looking for the keys!” His voice was muffled. Phil heard a clatter from inside the church.

“DAN! GET BACK TO THE BUNKER!”

But the door swung open and out he ran, the most glorious sight Phil had ever seen. He crashed into Phil’s arms, knocking him down and kissing his face again and again, tears falling from his eyes onto Phil’s cheeks.

“I couldn’t do it” he sobbed. “When that other guy came back in. I knew he’d just left you to die.”

“Worse than that. He tried to kill me himself. He had a gun.”

_“Fuck.”_

“Will Kim and Lilly be alright?”

“Define ‘alright’. They’ll survive if that bunker holds up. After that who knows what’ll happen.”

“So what should we do now?”

 

Dan didn’t answer the question. Instead he asked one of his own:

“D’you remember the first time we met?”

“My heart was racing faster than when that guy was shooting at me just there.”

“I was trying to play it so cool. But I was terrified. What if you didn’t like me?”

“How could I not like you? How could I not love you?”

“But I thought to myself: no Dan, you’re doing it, you’re meeting him. You might not get another chance. And you’re kissing him. And even if it turns out he doesn’t like you like that, at least you’ll know.”

He was staring up at the sky, his eyes glistening as he spoke. “And then, this life we built together… I cant imagine a better one… I just don’t want it to end.”

“Marry me.”

“What?”

“Will you marry me? Do I have to get down on one knee?”

“-Phil-“

“-Come on, please, I just want to say that I got engaged to Dan Howell before the end of my life.”

“Then how could I possibly say no.” They kissed, each savouring the taste of the other’s lips.

“When d’you think we would’ve got married?” asked Dan, settling himself into Phil’s arms as they lay down on the grass.

“Twenty twenty two.”

“Obviously. Five year engagement though. What happened there?”

“You just liked the attention.”

“Sounds accurate.” The roar of the sky was getting loader, the bright lights burning ever closer.

“Kids?”

“I think two. Boy and a girl.”

“Very 2.4 family Phil”

“And a dog.”

“What about our house?” He pulled him closer and closed his eyes against the burning light.

“Outskirts of London. Koi Karp pond. Gaming room. Grand piano on this kind of raised bit in the living room. With a big garden for the kids. And when we’re old we’ll sit on the porch and watch the sunset in our rocking chairs.”

“I cant wait” whispered Dan, sinking his face into Phil’s neck, imagining it all. In the end, it was all so peaceful. Just like going to sleep after a tiring day.

 

“IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?” a voice called out from a megaphone. “PLEASE COME AND TAKE SHELTER HERE! THE EARTH IS ABOUT TO RECEIVE A SECOND INPACT!”

“We’re here!” shouted Dan and Phil, standing up and spinning round, to try and locate the source of the voice. In the distance on the road they saw a man waving madly.

“COME ON!” Grabbing each other’s hand they began to sprint towards the waving figure.

As they crossed the road, avoiding the debris, they realised that someone else was running alongside them.

It was Mr Smith, his face stricken, his entire body drenched with sweat.

“Get away from us!” hissed Phil, avoiding him by running faster, dragging Dan with him.

“Please! I don’t have the gun anymore.”

 _“Fuck off!”_ screamed Dan as they reached the figure across the road, a tall powerfully built man with an impressive afro.

“Woah, there!” he said, holding up his hand in greeting. “There’s room for everyone in my grandpappie’s bunker. Come on, people.”

“He tried to kill me!” said Phil, gesturing towards Mr Smith.

“Oh  _shit!"_ said the man, looking him up and down, taking in his robes. “You’re one of those crazy cult assholes. Alright, just you two then. Come on in. We gotta be quick about it. My wife already thinks I’m insane for coming up here in the first place.”

“Please!” begged Mr Smith desperately. “They locked me out when they found my gun.”

“That’s your own fault!” said Dan. He turned to follow the man into the house but Mr Smith grabbed at his jumper.

“Let go of him!” cried Phil, swiping his hands away.

“Please! Have mercy!”

“Leave him, boys. Come on lets go in. Names Charles by the way”

“We’re Dan and Phil” said Dan, shell-shocked. Charles led them into his house and shut the door, elbowing Mr Smith out of the way.

“PLEASE!” he bellowed, from outside. “PLEASE FORGIVE ME.”

“Bunkers this way Dan and Phil, follow me.”

“I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

“Oh fuck.” Phil swore, stopping in his tracks. “We have to let him in.”

Charles turned around to look at him, eyebrows raised in surprise. “You sure? This is the guy that tried to kill you?”

“We cant leave him. I’d hear his voice in my nightmares forever. Dan?”

Dan sighed and nodded. “He’s a pathetic worm but Phil’s right. We have to let him in.”

“Your call, kids. Right, lets get him in” Charles walked back to open the door, and Mr Smith rushed in, weeping.

“Thankyou! God bless you all. God bless you!”

“Shut up” said Charles “Don’t be bringing God into this. It was these guys that saved your sorry ass.”

He nodded meekly, all of his previous stature diminished.

“Now come on lets get down to the basement before this motherfucking planet explodes.”

They followed Charles across his impeccably tidy kitchen and into a tiny little side room with a trapdoor and a staircase. They began climbing down the stairs as Charles spoke.

“Just down here. Granddad built this himself in the 50s. After Hiroshima he got paranoid about the nukes. Swore blind the family would need to use it someday. Turns out he was right. My wife's down there now. She’s my pride and joy, man I love her to death. Either of you two married?”

“We just got engaged actually,” Dan smiled. “To each other.”

“No kiddin’ man!” said Charles. “Well congratulations. You look after each other. Love. Aint nothin’ else like it in the world.”

From behind them Mr Smith let out a stifled choke.

“I guess he still thinks we’re brothers” said Phil.

“Alright, here we are. Picked up a few other stragglers out there earlier, so come in and meet the team.” He opened the door.

“What the…”

 

The room was enormous, and blindingly bright with lights and cameras everywhere. Inexplicably, sitting on a very long red sofa in front of them was Lilly and Kim, smiling and waving, their scratches and cuts completely gone. Next to them was Mr Matheson, dressed not in robes but in jeans and a T-shirt, beaming.

And beside him was yet another familiar face.

“Dan, Phil” The small, thin-faced man stood up to greet them, his eyes twinkling.

“Oh _fuck”_ said Dan as they both came to the same realisation at the same time. Though Phil was stunned into silence.

“My name is Derren Brown-”

“-Fuck!-”

“-and the world isn’t really ending. Everything is totally fine. This is a TV show. Those were just projectors and special effects-“

 _“Fucking_ hell!” said Dan, “Oh sorry Lilly… Is that even your name?”

“Everyone here is an actor.”

“My real name _is_ Lilly though!” smiled the little girl as Dan shook his head.

“Oh my _God!”_ said Phil, suddenly remembering something. “I signed us up to be on one of your TV shows… It was literally seven years ago though! I just assumed we hadn’t gotten it. And then youtube happened and…”

_“Phil Lester I am literally going to kill you.”_

“No!” laughed Charles.

“Come on, you guys are getting married! That’s real isn’t it?” said Kim. “Please say its still happening! You’re perfect for each other!”

“If Dan still wants to after this. I meant it.”

“Its still happening” said Dan, clasping hold of Phil’s hand. The relief of finding out the world wasn’t really ending was flooding through him and making him unable to stay angry for a second.

“Now boys, it’s totally up to you if this airs or not” said Derren Brown seriously “We’ll show you all of the footage and let you decide. But we wanted to create a social experiment, to see how people would react to moral dilemmas during a time of crisis. We’ve done this experiment seven times so far with other participants. Everyone has helped out Kim and Lilly but so far you and Phil are the only ones who’ve let Mr Smith in. I think that level of compassion is something to be proud of.”

From beside them, Mr Smith started clapping and soon, everyone else in the room followed suite, cheering their names.

“Seems like it might be time to let phan out of the bag then.” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear as one of the producers clapped them both on the back and Derren handed them each a glass of wine.

“Ready if you are” said Phil, clinking their glasses together happily.

 

* * *

 

**Six months later**

 

Dan and Phil were sat on the sofa in their living room in London, a bag of Doritos on the table in front of them. They leaned in towards each other, Phil in his pyjamas and Dan wearing an old pair of tracksuit bottoms and a Dan and Phil T-shirt. Phil studied the television program intensely, pushing his glasses further up his nose while Dan browsed tumblr on his laptop.

“People are saying they’ve set up little viewing parties. God. Someone’s made a cake with our faces on it” he showed Phil the picture on the screen. “What d’you think?”

“Big improvement.”

“God, I’m so nervous about the Brit awards thing tomorrow. I don’t know why. Phil why am I so nervous?”

“I don’t know. I am too. Funny, after I survived the end of the world I thought I’d never get nervous again.”

“And I swore I’d take up running. Well maybe next year.” Phil laughed and turned his attention to his phone. Five minutes to go. Twitter was really blowing up. They were trending.

In the past few months they had debated the best way to go about announcing that they were in fact an engaged couple to their audience. They had gone back and forth endlessly discussing the different merits of all the methods. In the end it had been PJ who suggested that they just let the program air and treat the subject like ‘pulling off a plaster’. Get it done in one fell swoop.

“Oh look. This is it.” After an introduction from Derren Brown, their section of the program began.

“Still cant believe we fell for it all. The effects look so much crappier on TV” Dan let his head rest on Phil’s shoulder.

“Oh, this is the bit I call you ‘babe’”

“Weird as you never do that normally.”

“Prepare yourself.”

As predicted, tumblr, twitter and facebook immediately blew up with comments.

“Oh God. Oh God, people are going insane. ‘Phan is real!’ Oh my _God._ Wait till they get to the proposal bit. I think some people might actually die from the shock.”

“They’ll get bored of it in a week… Okay maybe two weeks. Just get off the internet. Shut your laptop off.”

“But… but it’s the _internet.”_

“Would you rather marry me or the internet?”

“Is polygamy still legal anywhere?”

“I hate you” said Phil, stroking Dan’s hair. “I still don’t understand how they did that light effect.”

“Me neither. D’you fancy a takeaway?” asked Dan lazily.

“Only if you order it.”

“But I’m t-i-r-e-d. And socially awkward. And remember when I risked death for you, bitch.”

“You already used that excuse for not loading the dishwasher. You cant use it twice in one day. We agreed.”

Phil checked his phone briefly: “A hundred and three notifications. Wonder what that’s about.”

“Well I think we definitely win the award for the most novel way of coming out. What d’you want to eat? Are you phoning for it?”

“Alright, fine. Pizza?”

“Curry?”

“Both?”

“I love you, Phil.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As deeply silly as this scenario is, I have to admit its even sillier if you don't know who Derren Brown is. He's a British illusionist who has done quite a few psychological experiments with people who sign up not knowing what exactly they're getting into. So they'll sign up thinking they're just going to be called up some time and then BAM- suddenly they're having to fly a plane or deal with a zombie apocalypse or a murder gone wrong, and then they discover it was all an experiment being filmed for TV. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry but it was the only way I could give this story a happy ending.


End file.
